Hello World.
I was once told that when writing a poem, I should just write what I feel, but in the final edit cut out the last and first line. Also, when stuck, write: “This is what I feel.” Well, “This is what I feel”:
Why start this month’s blog that way, you may ask? Well, I suppose it’s because in some ways, I’m trying to be a more honest person with myself and with the world. For the last twenty some years, I haven’t done that. I used to consider myself a boring person, because I liked quiet, boring things. Well, that’s not entirely true…
When I say “quiet, boring things” I mean that only in the context that from my perspective, others will find what I say boring and quiet. I’ve been told on more than one occasion, especially lately, that I see the world not as others do. I remember growing up in the small, small-minded town of Wellsville, NY with a feeling that I was trapped in a bubble. It was a feeling that there was something larger outside of this place that I belonged to. I could feel it then, I still can today. I couldn’t see it then, and I’m only beginning to now, maybe. It was as if I there was a great chasm before me, and I could see the other side, but there was no bridge.
Since 2002, with the help of Nichiren Buddhism, I’ve started building that bridge. I’ve built many actually, and I feel like I’ve burned just as many. What’s weird though, is that whenever I cross each new chasm, I see a new one, and I don’t feel like I’ve gotten any further than I was before. I know I have though. In less than three years, I’ve moved out of the seemingly used-to-be-oppressive house my parents live in, managed to get my own place, get into a routine of paying bills on a timely basis and have even become 500% more social than I ever have been. That’s not all though. I’m finally in the groove of actually saving money and getting ahead in life and my I feel that my poetry has evolved more than where it was even a year ago. By the by, if you are interested in reading my poetry, you can find it at: www.myspace.com/runicorangejuice Everything under my blog section is poetry, and comments are always appreciated. Even if you hate it, don’t understand it, or love it, leave a message. I won’t mind what the message says.
I guess maybe I am different from most others in the world. I’ve has this conversation at length with a few of my close friends, and they agree. I think though that, as humans, we all want to feel loved and appreciated in some manner. Honestly some days, well most days, I don’t. That may be just my own insecurities, my own darkness talking, but it’s how I feel. I’m only beginning to really love myself though. A seemingly contradictory statement, I know.) I know that I’m liked, there is no doubt about that. I have many friends. What constantly goes through my mind though is: “Why do these people like me?,” not so much “There is nothing to like about me.” I think I’m a nice guy. I may be strange, though. Heck, even to me I sometimes seem strange. “Why do people like me?” “Is it because they feel sorry for me?” “Is it because they are just tolerating me to not hurt my feelings?” “Is it because I can save money like scrooge on Christmas?” (I can too!) or “Is is because they really do like me?”
I’ve noticed throughout the years, many things seem to happen at once. Here is the order of things, usually: 1. I am a social nobody with no money, but lots of compassion and terribly low self-esteem 2. I am a social nobody with some money, but lots of compassion and avergage self-esteem. Things start looking up, so I try and mingle by getting out and meeting people, usually at bars. Bars are the only place to meet people here in Olean and in Wellsville. 3. I am a social newbe with a few friends and a good amount of money. Lots of compassion and average self-esteem. I start meeting people, and things go well for a while. I’ve always been one to trust people, and to be generous with my feelings and my money. When someone needed an ear, a few bucks or a place to stay, I was the go-to guy. Perhaps that’s where I make my mistake.
I guess whenever number 3. gets going for a while, I seem to attract some really genuine people, but mostly I seem to attract some losers who really are only nice to me because I have money. Here is where it turns to number 4. I become a social butterfly, with a a few genuine friends, but mostly friends that, I later find out, only want my money. The genuine friends ALWAYS seem to either do one of two things: fade out, for many reasons, or move to where I don’t see them face-to-face. The ones that just use me, stay though. So, by the end of number 4, I am: a social butterfly with users, running low on money, either because monetary promises weren’t kept, or it was just outrightly stolen from me and my self-esteem is back to very low. After that, I’m back to number 1, except with some genuine friends, that don’t communicate with me anymore. I have low compassion at this point, and it’s always at this point that my social life, along with every other part of my life gets too hard for me to handle. I usually end up going into the mental hospital. I’ve been in there a total of 8 times since 2001- 2006.
I’m getting better at judging people. Over the years, I’ve built up a good spirit. I’ve gotten depressed many times, but I’ve always had that one spark of something, perhaps hope or determination that tomorrow will be better, that’s kept me going. In the 28 years of my life, I’ve only tried committing suicide once, and only once… I really think that I owe my successes over the last years to those distant friends, that still communicate and being a Nichiren Buddhist. Being Buddhist, especially chanting, has really gotten me through many hard times. I’m more successful than I have ever been. I owe it to my strong will- that spark that only went out once…
What’s the point of this blog, you may ask? Well, I’ve also been told lately that I should NOT look to others for acceptance. That’s honestly very easy to say, and very hard to do. In high school I has no friends that I hung out with after school let out. Sure, I was in the Matching band, and I talked to people there, but one one ever said: “Hey Brad, lets hang out on X day, you seem nice.” I never had someone to call up when my parents would abuse me. I had no where to go. I had no best friend. The average reader may see those last sentences and say: “He’s exaggerating!” I tell you though, that is the honest truth, as a Buddhist. Over the years, I would develop chips on my shoulder. I would hide myself in dark corners, and sharpen my fears so much that they became a weapon to friend and enemy alike. I hated myself. I hated what I had become. There are many people that I have met over the years, that do not know half of the things I’ve thought about them. I’m sorry to you all that genuinely meant well…
It’s only in these last few weeks that I’ve stared putting down my “weapons” and opening my true feelings to people. This blog is one of the ways I’m doing this. Now you know the reason behind the blog. What’s strange though, is that those numeric cycles that I mentioned earlier are starting to repeat themselves again.
In the midst of my personal successes, most days I still feel lost. I feel like there are more chasms in front of me more now than ever. I will attempt to bridge them all, and dispel the deep toxins of my body the best ways I know how: writing my poetry, trying to write more honest monthly blogs and of course chanting.
Take care, one and all. Be sure to read my poetry, World! 